can't

we went in and peter was useless and will was there with a gun.

he asked me why i abandoned him.  he asked me why i didn't warn him or anyone else.  he said he thought they were my friends.  he said he thought we had something.

he kept saying he wanted HIM out of his head, that he kept feeling HIM in his head and wanted HIM out, and that maybe if he killed me, that HE would finally let him alone. that i was the root of the problem.  the source from which HE sprung, and that killing me would stem HIS tide.

tara couldn't shoot him.  maybe airies but not will, not one of her friends.  she hid and i ran.  i ran blindly through the abandoned building.  he didn't even think about going after tara.  tara wasn't the one who left him behind.  tara wasn't the one who abandoned him to the smiling man lovers.

he chased me into a narrow hallway.  he had a pistol.  he wasn't thinking straight, though.  i hid behind a corner and waited.  and waited.

i'm blind.  but i could hear his footfalls.  he was in close quarters.

and i had a shotgun.

i killed him.

i'm not sure i ever loved him.

but i liked him.  i liked him a whole lot.

but i spread WTRainbow all the way across the hall.

i just feel numb.

i don't feel anything right now.

i can't even hate peter.  or be annoyed with tara.

i guess i'm the one who loses her murdercherry this time, eh tara?

i hate you, jeanette.

i hate you so much.

i hate you for bringing us together and leading us.  i hate you for breaking my dumb sister's heart.

i hate you because you made me think maybe i could be human again.

but i'm not.

because i just killed the only person who's ever loved me.

and i'm not even sad.

just empty.

and i realize that right now, i have everything i need.

i have a shotgun and tara's right here.

i have you in check, black queen.  i could checkmate you right now.  your king is in the other room and i know where the shotgun is.

of course.  this is why i'm here.

the white queen's goal is to capture the black queen.  i could take you out of the game right now just with one shell.  the queen of pentacles would never suspect me.  i could just walk up to her and pull the trigger.

it would be the easiest thing ever.

but then i realize that my next thoughts are, "then maybe i can be free"

and then i realize that i can't.  just like they wouldn't have been if they'd actually managed to kill us.

there's no freedom for us.  there's no way out.  we don't have hope, jeanette.

and i hate you.  i hate you so much for making me think even for a second that we did.

tara's safe for now.  i won't kill her.

but she'd better sleep with one eye open.

because that's the price you pay, girl with one eye.

because you cut my little heart out and you made me cry.