transcript

Girl With One Eye Ringtone heard playing.  Phone is answered.
Jeanette:  "Hey, Tara?"
Myself(Penny):  "No."
J:  "******, good.  We're in Hope.  Where the fuck are you guys?  Tara's on IM but she's not answering."
P:  "She's busy."
J:  "Okay.  Where are you?"
P:  "I don't think you want to come here right now."
J:  "What?  Why not?"
P:  "Your friend is a whore."
J:  "WHAT?"
P:  "She's a strumpet.  A woman of loose moral character."
P:  "She is the slut.  It's her."
J:  "******, what the fuck are you talking about?"
P:  "Exactly."
J:  "Just fucking tell me what's going on."
P:  "Fucking is what's going on.  Specifically, Peter is making a woman out of Tara."
A half minute of silence
P:  "Are you still there?"
J:  "That's bullshit."
P:  "Unfortunately not.  They're in the room next door.  I think they're going to be at it for a while."
J:  "Tara wouldn't..."
P:  "Tara is.  She is right now.  I have good ears.  So you might not want to come by."
J:  "Bullshit I don't.  Where the fuck are you?"
Chelsea:  (background)  "What's going on?"
P:  "You really should tell her."
J:  "Shut the fuck up."
P:  "Hey, look on the bright side.  Now that you know the love of your life loves the cock, maybe you can give my sister a chance."
J:  (on the border of enraged)  "Are you trying to make me punch you when we meet?"
P:  "If punching a blind depressed girl will make you feel better, by all means."
J:  "Okay, what-the-fuck-ever.  We're going to go to a motel or a restaurant or something.  Call us when you want to act like a fucking adult."
P:  "A motel?  Taking me up on my advice?"
The phone is hung up on the other end.


Nothing like a little trolling to make oneself feel better.

Oh jesus they're still at it.

can't

we went in and peter was useless and will was there with a gun.

he asked me why i abandoned him.  he asked me why i didn't warn him or anyone else.  he said he thought they were my friends.  he said he thought we had something.

he kept saying he wanted HIM out of his head, that he kept feeling HIM in his head and wanted HIM out, and that maybe if he killed me, that HE would finally let him alone. that i was the root of the problem.  the source from which HE sprung, and that killing me would stem HIS tide.

tara couldn't shoot him.  maybe airies but not will, not one of her friends.  she hid and i ran.  i ran blindly through the abandoned building.  he didn't even think about going after tara.  tara wasn't the one who left him behind.  tara wasn't the one who abandoned him to the smiling man lovers.

he chased me into a narrow hallway.  he had a pistol.  he wasn't thinking straight, though.  i hid behind a corner and waited.  and waited.

i'm blind.  but i could hear his footfalls.  he was in close quarters.

and i had a shotgun.

i killed him.

i'm not sure i ever loved him.

but i liked him.  i liked him a whole lot.

but i spread WTRainbow all the way across the hall.

i just feel numb.

i don't feel anything right now.

i can't even hate peter.  or be annoyed with tara.

i guess i'm the one who loses her murdercherry this time, eh tara?

i hate you, jeanette.

i hate you so much.

i hate you for bringing us together and leading us.  i hate you for breaking my dumb sister's heart.

i hate you because you made me think maybe i could be human again.

but i'm not.

because i just killed the only person who's ever loved me.

and i'm not even sad.

just empty.

and i realize that right now, i have everything i need.

i have a shotgun and tara's right here.

i have you in check, black queen.  i could checkmate you right now.  your king is in the other room and i know where the shotgun is.

of course.  this is why i'm here.

the white queen's goal is to capture the black queen.  i could take you out of the game right now just with one shell.  the queen of pentacles would never suspect me.  i could just walk up to her and pull the trigger.

it would be the easiest thing ever.

but then i realize that my next thoughts are, "then maybe i can be free"

and then i realize that i can't.  just like they wouldn't have been if they'd actually managed to kill us.

there's no freedom for us.  there's no way out.  we don't have hope, jeanette.

and i hate you.  i hate you so much for making me think even for a second that we did.

tara's safe for now.  i won't kill her.

but she'd better sleep with one eye open.

because that's the price you pay, girl with one eye.

because you cut my little heart out and you made me cry.

-

i killed will today

then we had a picnic

and sent the puppies back home

Oh God

I don't want to write this.

We found where the Timberpups are.

We know who the proxy guarding them is.

It's Will.

It's him.

WTRainbow.  My former internet boyfriend.  I saw a few pictures of him back when we were'dating'  and they described him to the letter.

We haven't done anything yet.

I don't know what to do.

But really who else would it be?  Why else would it be me, here?

Because it hurts.  It's this way to hurt me.

Because it makes him Smile.

I

hate cemeteries.

hate walking around all night looking for something that isn't there.

also hate Timberwolves, because they were at the cemetery and we had to hide from them.

hate Pete Rivers's  useless ass.

hate how he can't do anything because his two personalities are fighting each other too much.

hate how

'm almost sympathizing with him, because

feel the less lucid side getting hold.

'm not sure how much longer

can hold out either.

've been holding out so well, too.  But every dam must eventually break.  Chaos is the ultimate force in the universe, regardless of what every wannabe dictator has told you.  Eventually everything breaks down.  My sanity is a comforting wall, keeping Him out, because he looked into my eyes and

saw everything.  In that brief moment, it was all clear to me.  But that wrongness, that terrible light in His gaze Burned a part of me away, and not just my eyes.  Some important part of me went with them.

can't stand it.  Knowing

'm not whole anymore.  A piece of me is gone and

don't even remember what it was anymore.  Was it important?  Was it pure?  Maybe it was my love.  Maybe all

feel now is an obligation to Chelsea.  My precious sister.   But maybe

never felt love the same way everyone else did, either.

understand it objectively, but there's some subjective part of it that eludes me.

can't express it the way

should.  The way normal people do.

There was a guy, in the message board.  His name was Will,

guess.

knew him as WTRainbow.  We kind of had a thing but

abandoned him after the Lovers promoted me to Queen.

should have kept contact.  Not sure if

loved him.  It was a stupid internet romance.  But he cared for me and

just left.  No goodbye, no explanation.

A bit of my humanity is gone.  Is it gone for you, Jeanette?  Do you feel it?  Something in your heart, twisted and cut free like your eye was?  Like that pit in the center of the asterisk you call an eye socket is more than just in your flesh?

wish we could talk more.

guess we do someday, don't we?  We've seen the same visions, after all.

should sleep some.  Better sleep with one

open.

Things Have Been Better

I knew we shouldn't have grabbed this little bastard.

I knew it.

I FUCKING KNEW IT.

motherfuckers.

And no, he hasn't turned on us yet.  You know what happened?  Can you guess?

Someone from his stupid former organization came by and tried to kill us all.

and you know what?

PETE WAS FUCKING USELESS THE ENTIRE TIME

goddamn it

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

except maybe as a distraction but that's it

I mean, this wasn't going to be easy.  We probably are going to have to kill a proxy, like the time Jeanette freed those slendertots.  But we also have a shotgun.

But now I Am The Walrus is coming after us.

Because TARA INSISTS ON DRAGGING THIS GODDAMN ALBATROSS AROUND WITH US EVERYWHERE WE FUCKING GO BECAUSE SHE FEELS SORRY FOR HIM

and i'm sure it has nothing to do with that fact that he's the first thing that's ever flirted with her

YES I AM INSINUATING YOU ARE UGLY AND DESPERATE I HOPE YOU READ THIS LATER AND ARE SUITABLY BURNED

goddamn it she has me typing like gamzee what the fuck

ANYWAY

we were lounging around our hotel room going over what we know about the situation already--which basically amounts to nothing because let's face it, the lovers is not going to let us know where he is until he wants us to find him

AND THEN THIS ASSHOLE BREAKS IN

who i am informed looked younger than tara and was wearing a black hoodie and had red hair

jesus redheads are the bane of my existence

and he had a gun.  i know this first hand.

and by broke in, i mean

JESUS CHRIST HE BURST THROUGH THE DOOR LIKE THE FUCKING KOOL-AID MAN

christ that was a shitty motel

what were those doors made of

FUCKING TOOTHPICKS?

i'm sorry

my head isn't working right right now

hard time thinking

but fuck you

i'm  not editing this

SO ANYWAY THIS DOUCHEBAG IN A HOODIE COMES IN

he tells us to freeze, and he has this charming, boisterous voice.  energetic.  outgoing.

which was undercut by the fact that  i could tell he was going to kill us.

but of course he needed to get his 'reason you suck' speech to petey first

because as long as we have the villain checklist we might as well hit every point on it

but, you know, to make sure we are listening

he shot me.

just in the leg, and it's mostly superficial, now that it's bandaged.  i'm sure he thought shooting the blind girl was funny.  or maybe he didn't realize.

it is kind of funny though

either way.  it hurt.  it still hurts.

insert a solid paragraph of 'it hurts' here.

"Hey, Peter."  He said, and I could hear the broad grin on his face.  Trying to make it sound like this was planned, speech and everything, when you could tell he was making it all up as he went.  "How's life been?  Because honestly, it hasn't been so good for us!  Not that you'd know, running off and fucking things up like you did."  I heard him walk across the floor to him.  The bed squeaked, and I think Tara tried something, but then I heard her get hit hard and fall to the floor.  "Ohoho, spirited little girlfriend you have there, Pete.  Might have to do something about that later.  But anyway, back to the matter at hand.

"You know, I can respect running off.  I can, really.  But respect only gets you so far.  You should have just quit when we told you to.  But no, you're too stupid.  Well, Pete?  Does your grandfather's legacy really seem worth it right now?  Do you still want to be the hero?  I wonder what he'd say, if he saw you now."

Peter mumbled something, and even I didn't hear it and I have the overcompensating senses thing going on.  But I'm pretty sure it was something about not caring about what his grandfather would say.  Only crazy and not as coherent.  Then again, I was bleeding heavily so I could be wrong.  You can forgive me for not hearing every little thing.

AND IF YOU CAN'T THEN FUCK YOU

and then oh jesus i'm doing the gamzee again

FUCK IT I'M STILL NOT EDITING THIS

i need more bourbon

TARA MORE BOURBON oh wait i need to say they out loud

I also wasn't listening that well anyway, because I was looking for the shotgun.  By looks I mean groping around for it because goddamnit i miss my eyes

It turns out that Tara found it first.

Poor little ram.  Kept his head pointed forward.  All attention on Rivers.  Discounted me and Miss Useless.

"I don't want to use this."  I heard her say in her toughest voice.

"You won't."  He didn't stop being charming and energetic...but there was a cold certainty to his voice.

"I will if I have to.  Get out.  Now."

"Oh Jesus Tara grow some ovaries and shoot him he already shot me."

"You're going to leave.  Now."  I almost believed her when she spoke.

"Alright!"  he said.  i don't think he even cared she had the gun.  i don't think she mattered.  i think he knew she'd let him get away.  "You've twisted my arm.  You know, I like you.  You really should be shooting me now, though.  But I guess I'll leave you all for now.  Not like I won't find you again.  Be seeing you all really soon."

and then he left.  probably to get some distance for another charge.  no point in shooting anymore.  no point in taking hostages.  if tara is our last line of defense, he knows he'll win next time.

AND SHE NEVER SHOT HIM

peter and i agree she should have

I MEAN JESUS TARA I'M AGREEING WITH PETER AND I HATE HIM

though i mean it's not a genuine hate.  just kind of on principle.

BUT STILL

but i mean

tara still has her murdercherry

and probably the regular one

I'M CALLING YOU UGLY AGAIN TARA

and i guess she's not ready yet

but next time, if aries comes back

and you have that chance

and you don't take it

he'll kill us all

if he doesn't just start off killing us next time right when he gets the chance

AFTER ALL

he's already given his speech to peter.

i guess it depends on how the mood strikes him at the moment.

fucking aries.

anyways

i'm going to black out

this place we're squatting in is drafty

and i've had too much bourbon

i'd try to sleep with one eye open

but i don't have any to spare

so you'll have to, tara

or better yet

DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES.

DON'T FALL ASLEEP.

DON'T YOU DARE REST YOUR HEAD.

Finally

I finally have a Braille keyboard overlay.  Good.

Some good news and bad news.  We've found the twin triangles spray painted on a few walls, as well as The Devil's call to embrace him.  That's..actually both the good news and the bad news.  It means we're on the right track.

In other news, I FUCKING TOLD YOU TARA WE SHOULDN'T HAVE SAVED HIM HE'S PETER FUCKING RIVERS WE NEED TO ABANDON HIM AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A SUCKER YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO RELY ON JEANETTE SAVING YOUR STUPID ASS.

You're like a Nintendo Princess who thinks she's a Disney Princess.  You can't change the world.  You can't help the downtrodden.  Life sucks and there's nothing we can do about it and you insisting you can just means that the Black Queen needs to pull you out of Check every other move.

We're in the Devil's territory.  For the uniformed, that's the Archangel.  Looks like the Lovers decided to kidnap some potential Timberwolves!  And it's our job to save them!

Except it's my job, apparently, because Jeanette is in Colorado with my dumb lovestruck sister for some stupid reason.  When the Smiling Man says jump, Jeanette and I have to ask how high.  Except he doesn't ask us to jump.  Instead he kidnaps future victims/servants of the Major Arcana and then makes us save them, because we will be blamed if they aren't returned.

And you know why?  I'll tell you, and this is your fault too, Tara.  Ever wonder why Jeanette survived?  Why I survived?  Eye injury is usually fatal.  Shock and blood loss can kill you in seconds, if not minutes.

We're proxies, even though she doesn't want to admit it.  Yes.  We. Are.  Both of us.  I'm starting to think everyone in our little too-dumb-to-live online group is a proxy now.  Except you, Tara.  The Smiling Man lost interest in you.  Why would he want you, when Jeanette is so much more interesting?

It's your fault.  It's all your fault.

You see?! This is what it means to be the Smiling Man's proxy.  This is what it means to be his servants.  You're a piece on a chessboard, sent against other pieces--except he's setting his own pieces against each other.  He doesn't want us to worship him, he doesn't want to offer us power, or glory.  He doesn't want to protect us.  He doesn't want to use us, or make us think we're useful.

He wants us to struggle, to fight each other, and to kill each other so he can watch.  He wants our pain and our discord and our despair and our panic and our oblivion.

So he can watch and Smile.

This is your fault, Tara.

It's your fault that this is what Jeanette has to look forward to.

A whole lifetime of this.

Just so she can protect you.

And here you are.

Sheltering a two-faced monster.

Because you're soft.

Because you're weak.

Because you're stupid.

But worst and most damning of all.

Because you're a good person.

In  a world full of monsters.

Better sleep with one eye open.

GODDAMNIT CHELSEA

STOP FLIRTING WITH JEANETTE IT'S NOT NATURAL.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BISEXUALITY I'M TALKING ABOUT BEING ATTRACTED TO JEANETTE.  IT'S NOT RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.

THIS KID IS KIND OF CREEPY AND OBVIOUSLY A FEW CROWS SHORT OF A MURDER.  WHY IS HE STILL WITH US?

GODDAMNIT TARA.

ALSO SHOUTING IS FUN.

Note: When I Give A Warning About Major Arcana

FUCKING LISTEN TO IT.

So we went to a gas station, right?  Standard gas station.  Nothing special about it.

Then this squawking and chirping and cawing kicks up out of nowhere and I ask what it's about and Tara says, "Some kid is being attacked by birds!"

And then I heard the door open.

"Tara!  Tara, Wheel of Fortune!  Don't go near them!"

But I lost her.  Everything was silence for a while, and then someone who smelled like blood and grime got into the car, along with Tara, and the car peeled out just as I heard the cawing and angry chirping surround us.  Eventually, it faded as we drove.

"TARA.  WHEEL OF FORTUNE MEANS CONVOCATION."  I growled.

"WELL I KNOW THAT NOW."

The kid mumbled something about imaginary things.

"So, where can we take you?  What's your name?"  Tara asked, brushing off my rage.  I suddenly empathize with every headache we are giving Jeanette.

"I want to go home."  He said quietly.  "but I don't remember my name."

Whatever.  If he was in a flock of deathbirds, he's getting the Knight of Swords.

I have a feeling this just made things much more complicated.

Welcome!

Welcome to scenic Hope, New Jersey.

I assume it's scenic, anyway.  Though the term Tara uses the most is 'quaint'.

We're camped out in a cheap motel while we get our bearings.

Three delinquents were nabbed the other week, each with a bouquet laid out for them.  From what Tara and I can tell, they had ties to some local gangs.  I hope I am not right about which.

I don't like being here.  I had the birth of The Sun recounted to me.  There's something in the air.  It's setting me on edge.

This would be when I would say "It was a mistake to come here", but it isn't.  I'm not sure how I know that, but I know this is what I  was supposed to do.

That worries me too, though.  I call myself a seer, I give vague prophecies, but the truth of the matter is, whenever I do, I don't feel as though I'm the one giving them.  Something speaks through me.  Maybe that's my lot, on the chess board.  I provide exposition.  I explain the rules, I state the venue, I deliver the pieces.

But the game is changing, and I've not been  informed of the new rules.  Already, what should have been a concrete vision has changed.  Jeanette was supposed to be the one here.  Chelsea was not supposed to be involved.  I was not supposed to have stumbled through a choking mass of overpowering smells and cacophonous whispering leaves and end up halfway across the country.

And yet, Cups and Pentacles have replaced Swords for the time being, and I don't know why.

Oh well.  We're going to get something to eat, and then begin investigating.

I hope this wasn't a mistake.  I wish I was still locked away, safe in my room, distanced from events by a computer and a disability.

But I have been placed on a different board, in a different game, with different rules.

For now, I have no choice but to play along.

--Penny

Road Trip, Redux

This is fun.

And by fun I mean it's boring and Tara's musical taste is terrible and I just had her type that for me.  ((Your face is dumb and also you are dumb--Tara))

But she's nice.  We spend a lot of the time talking about the old days, back when we were dumb kids on a message board about a year ago, giving flesh to a personal nightmare of mine.

Jeanette is on her way, I think.  Infuriatingly, she has my Page with her.  I guess she's Chelsea Balisong now.  I guess I deserve it, though, for not stopping Tara.  Touche, Swords.

More if anything interesting happens.

ps.  It won't.  Not until we hit New Jersey.

Hope to see you all again soon. (heh heh)

On The Road

Tara and I are taking a little trip out East.

It should be a fun little adventure for us both.

With absolutely no danger and no monsters.

Also love, butterflies, and rainbows.

Ahem

I have it on good authority that Jeanette spent her birthday watching My Little Pony:  Friendship is Magic with my Page.

That is all.

Happy birthday, Queen of Swords.