Jeanette approaches Penny with a bourbon and hamburger.
Jeanette: I've been looking all over for you. Where the fuck have you been?
Penny: Burger. Give.
Jeanette sighs, hands Penny the burger.
Penny hungrily devours burger.
Jeanette: Okay, now will you tell me what the fuck is going on?
Penny: Do you know why I wanted a burger?
Jeanette: Because you were hungry?
Penny: No, smartass, because I WAS GETTIN' STONED
Penny starts passing out doobies and they both start smokin' like three joints at once.
Jeanette: FUCK YES.
Penny: Jeanette you are like my Karkat. I love you but you spend all your time fucking John like in my sister's terrible fanfiction so I have to have sex with Strider like all the time.
Jeanette: FUCK BE MY TEREZI PENNY
They have super hot sex right there in the mall. It is so hot, oh my god, you guys.
Penny: Oh no! Our super hot sex did not fix our problems! We are still completely screwed by these soldiers and monsters and shit.
Jeanette: Fuck we have to do something!
I-330 and the Doctor appear from a TARDIS with Captain Jack (Harkness and Sparrow)
The Doctor: Penny, we are all super hot time travelers!
I-330: We can save everyone if we all have a massive orgy!
Jeanette and Penny: FUCK YES
Everyone has a massive orgy. It is so super hot. It is so sexy, it destroys all the monsters in the universe including Smiley and Slendy and Grendel and the Daleks and saves Rose Tyler and Lisa Wells and Ianto Welshlastname and whoever Catherine Tate played fuck I always forget that Companion's name. The orgy is so amazing that the Doctor regenerates into TWO MATT SMITHS AND TWO DAVID TENNANTS and a Jon Pertwee for Tara because she's a freak.
Penny: Oh wow! We are all pregnant! (EVEN THE MEN) And Lisa and Gwen Welshlastname and Sara-Jane Smith and Ace and K-9 are the babies! Somehow!
Jeanette: Fuck, now we have to get married!
And then everyone went to Babylon 5 and G'kar reads everyone their vows and everyone's there and has another massive orgy and the Luggage joins in while Rincewind watches and strokes his beard. (AMONG OTHER THINGS LOL)
And everyone was happy forever.
And no one had to die.
Because I'm not just writing this because it's silly and terrible.
I'm writing it because I wanted to write something where none of us has to die.
Because in the moment he took my sight, the Lovers showed me so many things.
And He showed me how this ends.
And we're not all going to make it.
I'll get the actual transcript up soon.