Saturday, March 10, 2012


I think I'm losing my mind.

Well, not losing.  Losing implies a process.  I think I'm already crazy.  If the trifurcated posts weren't evidence enough.

I killed someone today.  I think it was a proxy.  I'm not sure.  I didn't know I could say that so casually.  I was always kind of the coward of the group.  Never killed anyone.  Never "popped my murdercherry" like Alison used to call it.  She used to chide me for it but I think she was relieved I hadn't.  Afraid I would.  Afraid death would be so easy for me if I started, like it was so easy for her.

Where are you, Alison?  Where's Jeanette?  Where did everyone go?

I don't know if it even matters anymore.  We were doing so well but it really didn't  matter in the end.

I would kill that stupid fucking boy if he was still alive.  But he's not.  And that's why we're all fucking doomed.  As if Smiley wasn't fucking bad enough.

That doesn't matter, though.  As long as I keep killing, keep surviving, it doesn't matter.

Maybe it's weak.  It's been sealed away long enough.  Maybe...maybe it's weak enough.

It's what Jeanette would do.  Shooting a primal force of terror in the face?  Just another day being her.

I miss her so much.  I didn't realize how much I

It doesn't matter.  I'm rambling.  Don't know how the others made blogging look so goddamn easy.

Bottom line:  I'm crazy.  Killed a proxy.  Might have to kill a god.

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