Tuesday, December 13, 2011


When I say that the Lovers was my worst nightmare, I'm not exaggerating.

As a  child and teenager, he  was in my head.  When I closed my eyes, I saw his smile.  When I dreamed, I was in his field.  He was my constant companion.  And he wanted out.

Can you imagine that?  Whenever I was asleep, I was with him.  Everything he has wrought upon his victims was wrought upon me.  Every night.  For years.  Others can escape their monster by running.  But mine was there.  Always there.  Pounding on the walls of his cage and smiling, always smiling, always goddamn smiling.

I knew he was trapped, somehow.  I knew it.  The only way he could contact anything was through my head...through my head, somehow. I don't know how.  I don't know why.  What could lock a Major Arcana away like that?  How could it break free?  Why did it need me to do it?

From their most recent post, it looks like one of them is the same.  Fitting he chose the same suit.

I removed him from my head.  I did what the King of Cups and his friends are trying to do.  I unleashed him on you all.

I'm not sorry.

Isn't that the funny thing?  I'm not sorry I unleashed him.  With him in my head, I was in hell.  My life was unbearable.  I stopped sleeping.  I nearly killed myself over and over and over but he wouldn't let me die.  Did you know I spent my teenage years in a mental hospital?  Because I did.  All those tests, all that therapy, and nothing helped.  Nothing ever helped because my nightmare was there, with me.

And when I released him, the first thing the Smiling Man the Lovers did was take my eyes.  He looked in my eyes and I saw so much, so very much.  Too much.  It burned them out of their sockets and I screamed and wept blood in pain and joy with the knowledge that he was out of my head.

So yes, I know it must suck to be you, King of Cups.  I know a part of you would kill your whole family, all your friends, resign the world to yet another unstoppable monster if you thought you could be rid of the terrible thing in your head.

But I'm not telling you.

Because even though I'm not sorry, I know what I did was wrong.  Even though I would do it again in an instant, I know it was unforgivable.  And even though I know the agony you are going through,  I know the agony everyone will go through.

So I'm sorry.  Just to you, I'm sorry.

The answer is still no.

1 comment:

  1. you have made a good decision. nightmares should be kept inside.