Finally

I finally have a Braille keyboard overlay.  Good.

Some good news and bad news.  We've found the twin triangles spray painted on a few walls, as well as The Devil's call to embrace him.  That's..actually both the good news and the bad news.  It means we're on the right track.

In other news, I FUCKING TOLD YOU TARA WE SHOULDN'T HAVE SAVED HIM HE'S PETER FUCKING RIVERS WE NEED TO ABANDON HIM AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A SUCKER YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO RELY ON JEANETTE SAVING YOUR STUPID ASS.

You're like a Nintendo Princess who thinks she's a Disney Princess.  You can't change the world.  You can't help the downtrodden.  Life sucks and there's nothing we can do about it and you insisting you can just means that the Black Queen needs to pull you out of Check every other move.

We're in the Devil's territory.  For the uniformed, that's the Archangel.  Looks like the Lovers decided to kidnap some potential Timberwolves!  And it's our job to save them!

Except it's my job, apparently, because Jeanette is in Colorado with my dumb lovestruck sister for some stupid reason.  When the Smiling Man says jump, Jeanette and I have to ask how high.  Except he doesn't ask us to jump.  Instead he kidnaps future victims/servants of the Major Arcana and then makes us save them, because we will be blamed if they aren't returned.

And you know why?  I'll tell you, and this is your fault too, Tara.  Ever wonder why Jeanette survived?  Why I survived?  Eye injury is usually fatal.  Shock and blood loss can kill you in seconds, if not minutes.

We're proxies, even though she doesn't want to admit it.  Yes.  We. Are.  Both of us.  I'm starting to think everyone in our little too-dumb-to-live online group is a proxy now.  Except you, Tara.  The Smiling Man lost interest in you.  Why would he want you, when Jeanette is so much more interesting?

It's your fault.  It's all your fault.

You see?! This is what it means to be the Smiling Man's proxy.  This is what it means to be his servants.  You're a piece on a chessboard, sent against other pieces--except he's setting his own pieces against each other.  He doesn't want us to worship him, he doesn't want to offer us power, or glory.  He doesn't want to protect us.  He doesn't want to use us, or make us think we're useful.

He wants us to struggle, to fight each other, and to kill each other so he can watch.  He wants our pain and our discord and our despair and our panic and our oblivion.

So he can watch and Smile.

This is your fault, Tara.

It's your fault that this is what Jeanette has to look forward to.

A whole lifetime of this.

Just so she can protect you.

And here you are.

Sheltering a two-faced monster.

Because you're soft.

Because you're weak.

Because you're stupid.

But worst and most damning of all.

Because you're a good person.

In  a world full of monsters.

Better sleep with one eye open.

A Moment of Lucidity

It's so embarrassing to have to rely on someone else to perform basic tasks of living.  At least I have my Page.  I would hate to rely on a stranger.  To have someone I didn't know, didn't trust, and couldn't see, loose in my private living space.

The nurse came by today to look at my eye sockets.  See how they're healing up.  The glass inside is still foreign to me, the alien pressure still itchy inside my head.  Swords probably knows what I'm talking about.  I wish I didn't need to have them in, but I'd rather the sockets don't collapse.

The burns are healing well.  My parents are looking into donors, but I doubt it will come of anything.  I'm fairly certain even if by some miracle I received intact, working eyes, the Lovers would take them again.  At any rate, it's looking like I'll make as much of a recovery as I can given the circumstances.

It goes without saying, but I really miss being able to see.  The only time I do anymore is in my dreams, where I'm speaking to a one-eyed goth cowgirl in some sort of train station.  I wish I could type these up myself, without relying on my Page (that's Penny-speak for little sister).  I hope she's typing what I want.  She's loyal but she can be, well, a little sister at times.
:P
I hope Swords is alright.  This might sound strange for you to hear, especially you, but I do.  I think we could have been friends in another world, another time.  Now I'm not sure what we are.  I know that antagonizing her keeps my Page safe. In the end that's all that matters.

I'm sorry, Swords Jeanette.  I really am.  This story won't end happily for either of us.  I'm not sure how I know that, but I do.  Just take solace in the fact that it ends worse for me, and live your life as best you can. Smile for once.  Have fun.  Please.  Fate may have dealt you a bad hand but, in the end, the cards aren't foolproof.  Fate's gears won't grind against you if you decide to pull yourself from them for a while.

Speaking of cards:

The Lovers is moving into conflict with The Devil, with The Queen of Swords caught in the middle.  Be careful.

I think I'm backsliding a bit.  Oh well.  It was nice being sane while it lasted.