mary mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow

I just found out today that this nursery rhyme might be about miscarriage.  That's hilarious.

Anyway, the Lovers paid us a visit on Thanksgiving.  If I'd have known he was coming, we would have gotten him some terrible Chinese food too.

The others are arguing about what he wants, but I know what he wants.  I always know what he wants.  He wants us to hurry up.  The Death of Hope (lol), or the Oblivion Maw(lol), or whatever dumb melodramatic name these losers are calling it, needs to be taken care of and soon.  The others are being all "but Penny, we don't know how to fight a thing like that"  and it's like "Yeah idiot he doesn't care".

When the Lovers decides to hurt one of us because we haven't made any progress yet, these dumbdumbs better not come crying to me, because I'll be too busy playing my tiny violin to care.

In other news, I guess we can probably start talking about Summerborn now, but I'm not going to, because Jeanette cares way more about telling you people things than I do.

Later, jerks.

Penny's Awesome Transcript (DO NOT STEAL)

Jeanette approaches Penny with a bourbon and hamburger.
Jeanette:  I've been looking all over for you.  Where the fuck have you been?
Penny:  Burger.  Give.
Jeanette sighs, hands Penny the burger.
Penny hungrily devours burger.
Jeanette:  Okay, now will you tell me what the fuck is going on?
Penny:  Do you know why I wanted a burger?
Jeanette:  Because you were hungry?
Penny:  No, smartass, because I WAS GETTIN' STONED
Penny starts passing out doobies and they both start smokin' like three joints at once.
Jeanette:  FUCK YES.
Penny:  Jeanette you are like my Karkat.  I love you but you spend all your time fucking John like in my sister's terrible fanfiction so I have to have sex with Strider like all the time.
Jeanette:  FUCK BE MY TEREZI PENNY
They have super hot sex right there in the mall.  It is so hot, oh my god, you guys.
Penny:  Oh no!  Our super hot sex did not fix our problems!  We are still completely screwed by these soldiers and monsters and shit.
Jeanette:  Fuck we have to do something!
I-330 and the Doctor appear from a TARDIS with Captain Jack (Harkness and Sparrow)
The Doctor:  Penny, we are all super hot time  travelers!
I-330:  We can save everyone if we all have a massive orgy!
Jeanette and Penny:  FUCK YES
Everyone has a massive orgy.  It is so super hot.  It is so sexy, it destroys all the monsters in the universe including Smiley and Slendy and Grendel and the Daleks and saves Rose Tyler and Lisa Wells and Ianto Welshlastname and whoever Catherine Tate played fuck I always forget that Companion's name.  The orgy is so amazing that the Doctor regenerates into TWO MATT SMITHS AND TWO DAVID TENNANTS and a Jon Pertwee for Tara because she's a freak.
Penny:  Oh wow!  We are all pregnant!  (EVEN THE MEN)  And Lisa and Gwen Welshlastname and Sara-Jane Smith and Ace and K-9 are the babies!  Somehow!
Jeanette:  Fuck, now we have to get married!
And then everyone went to Babylon 5 and G'kar reads everyone their vows and everyone's there and has another massive orgy and the Luggage joins in while Rincewind watches and strokes his beard. (AMONG OTHER THINGS LOL)
And everyone was happy forever.
And no one had to die.




Because I'm not just writing this because it's silly and terrible.

I'm writing it because I wanted to write something where none of us has to die.

Because in the moment he took my sight, the Lovers showed me so many things.

And He showed me how this ends.

And we're not all going to make it.

I'll get the actual transcript up soon.

Trouble

transcript

Penny(me):  Put her down on the table.  Make sure she's lying flat.
Tara: I don't...o-okay.
P:  Tara.
No response
P:  Tara, I need you with me.  This is important, all right?  Don't flip the fuck out on me right now.  I need does-things Tara, not pussies-out Tara.
T:  Okay.  Okay.
P:  Swords, how does it feel?
Jeanette: grimacing I-it feels like I've been shot in the leg.
P:  Good.  Take off Jeanette's pants as best you can.
J: ...can't you do this without stripping me?
P:  We either cut them off or take them off.  It's not like the room's full of boys you ridiculous fucking prude.
T:  Okay.  deep breath Okay, what now?
P:  Do you see an exit--
interruption.  Alice/Chelsea enters the room.
A:  I got it!  Jesus, that's a lot of blood.  Is she all..
P:  Shh!  Tara, do you see an exit wound?
T:  I don't...yes.  I think so, I mean.
P:  Do you or don't you?
T:  It's kind of ragged, I can't tell.
P:  Whatever.  We keep going under the assumption that the bullet's not in there.
T:  But what...
P:  People have gone their whole lives with things worse than bullets in them.  If it's in there we can get rid of it when she has more blood, which she's losing the more I have to explain things to you idiots.
P:  Page, do you have the suture?
A:  What the fuck is a suture?
P:  sigh Curved needle and thread.
A:  Oh!  Duh.  Right here...is she going to be alright?  Does she need my blood?  I have a lot of blood.
P:  She'll be fine if we can get her sewn up soon.  Okay.  Tara.  I'm going to need you to do exactly what I tell you to do.
T:  I'm not sure if I...
P:  You've got the steadiest hands of all of us.  You can do it and you need to do it now.
T:  Okay.  I can do this.
A:  You better.
P:  Shut the fuck up and let Tara work.

Long story short, we were led into a trap.

She's fine, by the way.  More or less.  One more addition to her scar collection.

Fuck these people.  Whoever they are.

Hear that, Flaming Ass?  Fuck.  You.

Intermission

I could tell you, and all the people following us, about our plans, how we're on the move, etc.  I could talk about my sister and Jeanette and their sickening relationship.  I could talk about how Tara's been all weird since that Pete Rivers bullshit.  I could post about any number of important, extremely relevant things.

Instead it's music video time.

Bam.

Like Watching A Baby Bird Try To Fly

Jeanette just said, "I don't care about your Oshawotts."

It was amazingly terrible.

transcript

Girl With One Eye Ringtone heard playing.  Phone is answered.
Jeanette:  "Hey, Tara?"
Myself(Penny):  "No."
J:  "******, good.  We're in Hope.  Where the fuck are you guys?  Tara's on IM but she's not answering."
P:  "She's busy."
J:  "Okay.  Where are you?"
P:  "I don't think you want to come here right now."
J:  "What?  Why not?"
P:  "Your friend is a whore."
J:  "WHAT?"
P:  "She's a strumpet.  A woman of loose moral character."
P:  "She is the slut.  It's her."
J:  "******, what the fuck are you talking about?"
P:  "Exactly."
J:  "Just fucking tell me what's going on."
P:  "Fucking is what's going on.  Specifically, Peter is making a woman out of Tara."
A half minute of silence
P:  "Are you still there?"
J:  "That's bullshit."
P:  "Unfortunately not.  They're in the room next door.  I think they're going to be at it for a while."
J:  "Tara wouldn't..."
P:  "Tara is.  She is right now.  I have good ears.  So you might not want to come by."
J:  "Bullshit I don't.  Where the fuck are you?"
Chelsea:  (background)  "What's going on?"
P:  "You really should tell her."
J:  "Shut the fuck up."
P:  "Hey, look on the bright side.  Now that you know the love of your life loves the cock, maybe you can give my sister a chance."
J:  (on the border of enraged)  "Are you trying to make me punch you when we meet?"
P:  "If punching a blind depressed girl will make you feel better, by all means."
J:  "Okay, what-the-fuck-ever.  We're going to go to a motel or a restaurant or something.  Call us when you want to act like a fucking adult."
P:  "A motel?  Taking me up on my advice?"
The phone is hung up on the other end.


Nothing like a little trolling to make oneself feel better.

Oh jesus they're still at it.

can't

we went in and peter was useless and will was there with a gun.

he asked me why i abandoned him.  he asked me why i didn't warn him or anyone else.  he said he thought they were my friends.  he said he thought we had something.

he kept saying he wanted HIM out of his head, that he kept feeling HIM in his head and wanted HIM out, and that maybe if he killed me, that HE would finally let him alone. that i was the root of the problem.  the source from which HE sprung, and that killing me would stem HIS tide.

tara couldn't shoot him.  maybe airies but not will, not one of her friends.  she hid and i ran.  i ran blindly through the abandoned building.  he didn't even think about going after tara.  tara wasn't the one who left him behind.  tara wasn't the one who abandoned him to the smiling man lovers.

he chased me into a narrow hallway.  he had a pistol.  he wasn't thinking straight, though.  i hid behind a corner and waited.  and waited.

i'm blind.  but i could hear his footfalls.  he was in close quarters.

and i had a shotgun.

i killed him.

i'm not sure i ever loved him.

but i liked him.  i liked him a whole lot.

but i spread WTRainbow all the way across the hall.

i just feel numb.

i don't feel anything right now.

i can't even hate peter.  or be annoyed with tara.

i guess i'm the one who loses her murdercherry this time, eh tara?

i hate you, jeanette.

i hate you so much.

i hate you for bringing us together and leading us.  i hate you for breaking my dumb sister's heart.

i hate you because you made me think maybe i could be human again.

but i'm not.

because i just killed the only person who's ever loved me.

and i'm not even sad.

just empty.

and i realize that right now, i have everything i need.

i have a shotgun and tara's right here.

i have you in check, black queen.  i could checkmate you right now.  your king is in the other room and i know where the shotgun is.

of course.  this is why i'm here.

the white queen's goal is to capture the black queen.  i could take you out of the game right now just with one shell.  the queen of pentacles would never suspect me.  i could just walk up to her and pull the trigger.

it would be the easiest thing ever.

but then i realize that my next thoughts are, "then maybe i can be free"

and then i realize that i can't.  just like they wouldn't have been if they'd actually managed to kill us.

there's no freedom for us.  there's no way out.  we don't have hope, jeanette.

and i hate you.  i hate you so much for making me think even for a second that we did.

tara's safe for now.  i won't kill her.

but she'd better sleep with one eye open.

because that's the price you pay, girl with one eye.

because you cut my little heart out and you made me cry.

I

hate cemeteries.

hate walking around all night looking for something that isn't there.

also hate Timberwolves, because they were at the cemetery and we had to hide from them.

hate Pete Rivers's  useless ass.

hate how he can't do anything because his two personalities are fighting each other too much.

hate how

'm almost sympathizing with him, because

feel the less lucid side getting hold.

'm not sure how much longer

can hold out either.

've been holding out so well, too.  But every dam must eventually break.  Chaos is the ultimate force in the universe, regardless of what every wannabe dictator has told you.  Eventually everything breaks down.  My sanity is a comforting wall, keeping Him out, because he looked into my eyes and

saw everything.  In that brief moment, it was all clear to me.  But that wrongness, that terrible light in His gaze Burned a part of me away, and not just my eyes.  Some important part of me went with them.

can't stand it.  Knowing

'm not whole anymore.  A piece of me is gone and

don't even remember what it was anymore.  Was it important?  Was it pure?  Maybe it was my love.  Maybe all

feel now is an obligation to Chelsea.  My precious sister.   But maybe

never felt love the same way everyone else did, either.

understand it objectively, but there's some subjective part of it that eludes me.

can't express it the way

should.  The way normal people do.

There was a guy, in the message board.  His name was Will,

guess.

knew him as WTRainbow.  We kind of had a thing but

abandoned him after the Lovers promoted me to Queen.

should have kept contact.  Not sure if

loved him.  It was a stupid internet romance.  But he cared for me and

just left.  No goodbye, no explanation.

A bit of my humanity is gone.  Is it gone for you, Jeanette?  Do you feel it?  Something in your heart, twisted and cut free like your eye was?  Like that pit in the center of the asterisk you call an eye socket is more than just in your flesh?

wish we could talk more.

guess we do someday, don't we?  We've seen the same visions, after all.

should sleep some.  Better sleep with one

open.

GODDAMNIT CHELSEA

STOP FLIRTING WITH JEANETTE IT'S NOT NATURAL.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BISEXUALITY I'M TALKING ABOUT BEING ATTRACTED TO JEANETTE.  IT'S NOT RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.

THIS KID IS KIND OF CREEPY AND OBVIOUSLY A FEW CROWS SHORT OF A MURDER.  WHY IS HE STILL WITH US?

GODDAMNIT TARA.

ALSO SHOUTING IS FUN.

Road Trip, Redux

This is fun.

And by fun I mean it's boring and Tara's musical taste is terrible and I just had her type that for me.  ((Your face is dumb and also you are dumb--Tara))

But she's nice.  We spend a lot of the time talking about the old days, back when we were dumb kids on a message board about a year ago, giving flesh to a personal nightmare of mine.

Jeanette is on her way, I think.  Infuriatingly, she has my Page with her.  I guess she's Chelsea Balisong now.  I guess I deserve it, though, for not stopping Tara.  Touche, Swords.

More if anything interesting happens.

ps.  It won't.  Not until we hit New Jersey.

Hope to see you all again soon. (heh heh)

Ahem

I have it on good authority that Jeanette spent her birthday watching My Little Pony:  Friendship is Magic with my Page.

That is all.

Happy birthday, Queen of Swords.

A Moment of Lucidity

It's so embarrassing to have to rely on someone else to perform basic tasks of living.  At least I have my Page.  I would hate to rely on a stranger.  To have someone I didn't know, didn't trust, and couldn't see, loose in my private living space.

The nurse came by today to look at my eye sockets.  See how they're healing up.  The glass inside is still foreign to me, the alien pressure still itchy inside my head.  Swords probably knows what I'm talking about.  I wish I didn't need to have them in, but I'd rather the sockets don't collapse.

The burns are healing well.  My parents are looking into donors, but I doubt it will come of anything.  I'm fairly certain even if by some miracle I received intact, working eyes, the Lovers would take them again.  At any rate, it's looking like I'll make as much of a recovery as I can given the circumstances.

It goes without saying, but I really miss being able to see.  The only time I do anymore is in my dreams, where I'm speaking to a one-eyed goth cowgirl in some sort of train station.  I wish I could type these up myself, without relying on my Page (that's Penny-speak for little sister).  I hope she's typing what I want.  She's loyal but she can be, well, a little sister at times.
:P
I hope Swords is alright.  This might sound strange for you to hear, especially you, but I do.  I think we could have been friends in another world, another time.  Now I'm not sure what we are.  I know that antagonizing her keeps my Page safe. In the end that's all that matters.

I'm sorry, Swords Jeanette.  I really am.  This story won't end happily for either of us.  I'm not sure how I know that, but I do.  Just take solace in the fact that it ends worse for me, and live your life as best you can. Smile for once.  Have fun.  Please.  Fate may have dealt you a bad hand but, in the end, the cards aren't foolproof.  Fate's gears won't grind against you if you decide to pull yourself from them for a while.

Speaking of cards:

The Lovers is moving into conflict with The Devil, with The Queen of Swords caught in the middle.  Be careful.

I think I'm backsliding a bit.  Oh well.  It was nice being sane while it lasted.

Hm

You're all under the impression that I am working for one side or another, so I will say this plainly:

I am not on the Lovers' side.

You are all under the impression that I know more than I have said:

This is true.  But not how you think.  Some truths are better if discovered, and she's so close.  I keep hinting, but she needs to realize it on her own.

I am the Queen of Cups.  Virtuous, warm hearted, treacherous, manipulative.

She is the Queen of Swords.  Powerful, intelligent, isolated, depressed.

And the other is the Queen of Pentacles.  Wise, motherly, irresponsible, passive.

I'm not here to threaten.  I'm not in cahoots.  But I am the White Queen.  Just as Swords is the Black Queen. But neither of us had a choice, not really.

He has decided for us.

But what role does the White Queen play?  Does that piece just sit there?  Waiting?

No, my friends.  The goal of the White Queen is simple.

Capture the Black Queen.

I am doomed to fail, however.  Which is, I believe the point.  The game is not entertaining otherwise.  Because, my friends, my dear, dear friends, I have a handicap.

The Lovers claimed one of the Queen of Spades' eyes.

He has claimed both of Hearts'.

In Response To Jeanette Cotton's Post Titled "Say What You Will"

To My Main Babe

Thinking of you.  ;)

better sleep with one eye open

Vision Is Distressing

The Fool in conflict
The Lovers pushes forward
Blade Queen in between

The readings do not lie, though.

Watch out.

And, Thus

Oh good.

She's finally showing us the point at which she takes her place on the board.

Dreams

I dreamt I was out of breath.  I dreamt of something tight around my neck.

I dreamt of an empty face staring through me as my breath left me.

I dreamt of struggling, of reaching for a weapon.

I dreamt of it availing me not.

Then, a crash.  I woke, blackness begetting blackness.

I wonder whose dream that was?